“You know, most girls would have laughed, texted back, or posted a status update.”

“Do I look like most girls?”

– Mean Girls 2, 2011 

You don’t have to be chronically online to know that the term “pick me girl” has been making its round on social media with more and more people talking about it and calling others out. But who is she? She’s not like other girls. She’s one of the guys because guys are less drama than girls. She is not a fan of make up, shopping or anything “girly”. She loves sports and beer and wearing sneakers and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. She’s different. 

“Pick me girl” is a term used to describe women who actively distance themselves from femininity in an attempt to gain attention from men. What sets her apart from any other woman who may not have feminine interests or traits is the fact that pick me behaviour comes at the expense of other women by putting them down in front of others, typically men. Statements like, “I’m not high maintenance like other girls, I’m super chill” or “I’m not like those girls who take forever to get ready” reflect the intention behind pick me behavior.

The origins of the pick me girl are rooted in patriarchy & internalized misogyny with pop culture & media as its messengers across populations. Growing up, we would watch movies & shows that portray women as one dimensional beings with no depth or story of their own – mere props or subplots for the main characters. And while it influenced our understanding of how most if not all women are, it also heavily conflicted with our understanding of myself because we were girls but we did have depth and interests and stories of our own, leading to the inevitable thought – “Ah, I must be different, different from the caricatures of women being presented on the big screen”. 

On top of this, we observed the way these women were treated by society. This was a time when our likes & interests were mocked & seen as inferior (and to a very large extent, it continues even today). Mocked for liking pink or girly drinks, considered stupid for caring about make up and clothes and hair, being looked down upon & shamed for just being. And that was scary. This fear of being rejected & ridiculed scared a lot of us which led to an (un)intentional distancing from everything considered typical of women, typical of being feminine. What maintained this distancing was the fact that on the other hand, all the cool girls in all the trending movies and shows and music videos were those who didn’t fit the stereotype, they were not feminine or girly – they’d order a pizza instead of a salad, wear black instead of pink, listen to rock music instead of pop boy bands & were more interested in playing sports than shopping. This isn’t to say that women can’t be all that, they definitely can but the portrayal was aimed at demeaning other women to highlight how awesome & fun & different the “cool girls” were as if liking girly things leaves them with no individuality. These were the women who were accepted by society, the kind men liked & desired. It was so important to be liked by men because that’s what we were told for so long – it was sold as “the dream” eventually ending with finding a husband and settling down. The male gaze takes the center stage in how we view not just ourselves but other women as well, making them our competition all stemming from a place of fear, anxiety and insecurity. And in this race of wanting male validation, everything and anything goes – rejecting our authentic selves & the way we want to be, and putting other women down as a declaration to the opposite sex – see? I’m different, I don’t do these annoying feminine things and I like things that guys like, so in the words of Meredith Grey, “pick me, choose me, love me”. 

Because of how everything in society is touched by patriarchy, this vicious cycle unfortunately continues, and this will not come to an end by merely calling people out and taking away their redemption. By pushing the “pick-me” label without unraveling the nuances behind it is an act of unfairness that robs people of a chance to understand their ways & grow. By limiting them to the “pick-me” label without offering any room for development is to diminish their identity to one single story, one dimension. 

Time and again, society brings up the idea that women are inherently against each other, that aurat hi aurat ki dushman hai, but it is important to acknowledge that this is a product of systemic structures that have long pitted women against each other. It’s this acknowledgement & understanding that can help us shift the narrative from judgement to empathy, creating a space that fosters change & solidarity. By extending empathy, we’re not taking away accountability but only creating a greater capacity for growth. Challenging stereotypes & decentering from the male gaze while cultivating a strong sense of self & finding support in community can slowly chip away at the systems leading to the pick me phenomenon. It’s a long journey ahead but then again, Rome wasn’t built in a day. 

The post Not Like Other Girls: A Dive Into The Pick Me Phenomenon first appeared on Karma Care.